Book 24: How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a book about the principles of human relations. I have mixed thoughts on this book. On one hand, I think it provides some really great, straightforward points and examples, and on the other, I found it a very tiring information-overload read, and often skimmed sections or stories. Carnegie gives many examples enforcing each point, and it occasionally seemed repetitive, although no less applicable.

I didn’t set out to read this book because I thought I have trouble “making friends” or because I was hung up on the idea of “influencing people”. I spotted it on several “Bestseller” and “Top Recommended” lists and hearing its praises sung in the fields of public and human relations, I decided to give it a try.

I wouldn’t classify this as a self-help book on how to make friends. It’s a book about how to win people over and influence people, yet not in the creepy sense that may sound like. It’s an ideal read for a person working in any occupation where they interact with people regularly. Dealing with people is a huge part of life and often the biggest obstacle, and Carnegie gives pointers on how to strategically make this process easier, and perhaps make yourself a better person along the way!

In order to address the overall book, I’m summarizing the points Carnegie makes- so bear in mind these examples are much more fleshed out than what you see here.

The first section of the book is devoted to Carnegie’s essential techniques for handling people: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain (because no one likes being around a person who discourages them). Give honest and sincere appreciation (it encourage the giver and receiver). Arouse in the other person an eager want (inspire. enable).

The second section discusses six ways to make people like you (read as: six ways to be more likeable): Become genuinely interested in other people (humans are by nature self-centered and enjoy attention). Smile. Remember their name (seems a trivial detail, but good friends have told me they appreciate that I say their names often, and I admit I am always pleasantly shocked when someone addresses me by name in face-to-face conversation- it is quite rare people do this anymore). Be a good listener (let other’s talk and pay attention). Talk about their interests (even if they don’t matter to you). Make others feel important (give them value).

The third section examines methods to win people to your way of thinking: Let other people feel that the idea is his or hers (my boss does this to remarkable success. Nothing more inspiring than feeling as if you have had a breakthrough idea/solution. Let others have that opportunity sometimes). Try to see things from the other person’s point of view (useful in an argument). Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Appeal to the nobler motives (see the good). Showmanship. Throw down a challenge.

And last, Carnegie looks at nine principles to become and be a leader: Praise, Appreciate. Call attention to mistakes indirectly (don’t place blame, and people will be encouraged). Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others (level with them). Ask questions, don’t give orders (blur the lines of hierarchy). Let the other person save face (so important!). Praise improvement. Give a person a fine reputation to live up to. Use encouragement. Make them happy about accomplishing your request.

As I read this book, I noted several points I could apply to my daily life. They seemed straightforward enough, and yet the examples helped to flesh out the ideas and allow me to see practical applications for them. Within a week of reading this book I found myself arguing with a friend and applying some of these methods as we attempted to reach a resolution, instead of insisting on “winning” the argument. Carnegie makes an excellent point in his book that no one ever “wins” an argument. The person who believes they have won have in fact lost, because they have damaged a relationship and the self-esteem of another being, and proven that being right to them is more important than the relationship itself. This may seem a tad dramatic, but there is truth to it.

Again, it’s a dense read at times, but I would recommend this as a book to keep on your shelf and bear in mind. It may have been published in the 1930’s, but the techniques are timeless, and should especially be implemented during the selfish age we find ourselves in today!

Book 23: I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends by Courtney Robertson

I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain by Courtney Robertson was my guilty pleasure read of the summer. In all honesty, this book was entertaining.

Courtney Robertson was portrayed as the villain of reality show The Bachelor several years ago, and ended up winning, which means getting engaged to Ben IDontKnowHowtoSpellHisLastName. In my defense, I have never seen her season and all I know of her comes from this book and a friend (who also showed me a few YouTube clips). I’m not particularly interested in watching it, either. The decision to read the book was based on the appeal of some behind the scenes info to further mock this let’s-go-on-two-dates-and-get-engaged show.

And this book was. so. entertaining. Courtney holds nothing back as she tells the story of her life and what led her to go on a reality show, what happened while she was on it and what life after has looked like for the villain. Every fan (or nonfan, depending upon your approach to watching) will find something interesting in this read. It’s like the ultimate spoiler, and remarkably engrossing.

Courtney starts out with a prologue describing Ben’s proposal from her perspective, then spirals back in time to her young, impressionable self. She brings the reader through the struggles of being the ugly duckling, discovering her sexuality, teen hormones, first loves, first modeling gigs and experiences (including being sent home for being unwilling to strip), and eventual move to LA.

Courtney elaborates on her years pre-Bachelor, including dating celebrities (Jesse Metcalfe, Adrian Grenier), on-and-off-relationships, her hometown love, one night stands and more. I’m sure every tabloid and gossip rag is having a field day with her book right now. She copies verbatim down emails, texts and messages exchanged, leading up to her casting call and acceptance emails from The Bachelor producers. Courtney’s modeling agent’s advice will loom forever in the reader’s mind, telling her that the show won’t help her career, but it shouldn’t hurt it, either. If only she had had an inkling then!

The weeks spent on The Bachelor seemed a bit glossed over, but the truth is the show is filmed over a period of several weeks before an engagement is forced. Courtney has two dates, one ocean rendezvous and a handful of conversations with Ben before they become engaged. She spends considerably more time attempting to be funny in her “In the Moment” interviews, which later dug her grave as the World’s Most Hated Person of reality shows.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that Courtney’s version of her experience redeemed herself, based on the clips I’ve seen and the reactions of her top haters. Yet she didn’t deny the terrible things she said, and even revealed some additional terrible things she said that didn’t make it on camera. She seemed remorseful for many of her actions and words, admitted mistakes, defended herself on occasion and held her ground on others. I applaud either her intuition, Deb Baer, or their editor on this degree of tell-all, because it kept the reader’s attention by providing an interesting mixture of confession, defensiveness, anticipated bitchiness and denial.

A good portion of the book was devoted to post-Bachelor life, the onslaught of public hatred as the show aired, the decline of her modeling career and turbulent engagement to a man she didn’t know, right up to the dissolution of their relationship, her Bachelor alumni hookups, and current life situation (down to who texted what and when as she was writing).

I was impressed by this book (remember, I never saw her season!). Our villain willingly exposed the dark corners of her closet (and others) with complete transparency- the uncomfortable kind of transparency. This tell-all was not intended to defend herself or her actions, but to tell the whole truth with blatant honesty and let people draw their own conclusions. It is rare that a writer does not attempt to sway the reader, and to me, Courtney said little to gain favor or influence me. She left it free for readers to hate her, love her, or any degree in between. The book was well-written, well-edited, interesting, concise, revealing and informative. My overall impression was that it had been an interesting experience to read it, and that the Bachelor franchise produces few genuine people or relationships. Keep that in mind future participants- a reality show can help you and it can hurt you, and if you choose that road, it will certainly affect you.

Okay, that’s it. Someone needs to recommend a dark murder mystery or crime novel to me, stat. I seem to be stuck in a continuous fluctuation between business non-fiction, bestsellers and chick-lit. EXPAND MY HORIZONS.

Book 22: The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

                            The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell is a nonfiction business read that explores how and why some ideas take root and spread like epidemics. According to the author definition, the tipping point “is that magic moment when an idea, trend, or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire”. Gladwell’s book offers thought-provoking insight into what causes an idea to spread, because change has occurred in one or more of three areas he identifies as the Law of the Few, the Stickiness Factor, and the Power of Context.

               The Law of the Few suggests that an idea (or behavior) spreads due to the influence of specific personalities championing them, whether intentionally or unintentionally. These are social, networked people who hold influence, those respected people containing a wealth of knowledge, and the champions of ideas or products (salesmen, whether in personality or by trade).

               The Stickiness Factor is the thing that makes certain ideas make it through the message overload. Gladwell examines the efforts of children’s TV shows ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Blue’s Clues’, among other examples, to show how sometimes it is simply finding a way to make your idea relevant and discernible through the noise (for example, highlighting the location of the infirmary to encourage Yale students to get their shots).

               The Power of Context implies that by altering the context, one can alter the result. A prime example is that decline of crime in New York after officials attempted the broken-windows theory, where they cleaned the subways of graffiti and shattered glass, which decreased the law-breakers in the subway. The simple alteration of the environment encouraged a new standard. The same happened when a police chief increased security in the tunnels, thus cutting down on fare-beating. Gladwell suggests that in order to create large fads, we must first create a series of smaller ones.

               Gladwell further introduces and familiarizes readers with the personalities that contribute to and spread new ideas, and offers relevant examples by discussing how both good and bad ideas spread, from fashion to suicide to (in the afterword) school shooting.

               There are so many interesting stories, examples, and insights in this book it is hard to summarize. Suffice to say, The Tipping Point served to successfully alter how I think about “selling” ideas or products. A well-written, enlightening read for anyone seeking to inspire change, encourage sales, or influence others. A little bit of information overload, but no time wasted.

               

Book 21: Confessions of an Advertising Man by David Ogilvy.

            Three cheers for the first educational book review of this challenge! This will be brief for the sake of those following this blog primarily for fiction. Confessions of an Advertising Man by David Ogilvy is a compilation of an advertising genius’s techniques acquired over a very rich life of experience.

Ogilvy, often referred to as “The Father of Advertising”, was an Englishman born in 1911. He started out as a chef at the Hotel Majestic in Paris, then later immigrated to America to join the staff at Princeton. Post World War II, Ogilvy founded the advertising agency Ogilvy, Benson and Mather, which is quite well-known and recognized today.

This book is a bit hard to summarize due to the content, so I’ll sum it up with a few quotes to demonstrate how non-boring of a read it was:

“The consumer isn’t a moron. She’s your wife.”

               “When people aren’t having any fun, they seldom produce good work.”

               “When Fortune published an article about me and titled it: “is David Ogilvy a Genius?”, I asked my lawyer to sue the editor for the question mark.”

              Confessions of an Advertising Man is full of stories and advice on everything from how to create great campaigns, copy and ads, to how to attract and maintain clientele. Although a bit dated in sections, the version I read included a note from Ogilvy drawing the reader’s attention to the outdated and mistaken sections of his book, such as regularly referring to advertising men with no deference towards the women in the field (there were few during his time, and he recognizes that they now make up a large percentage of the field today).

This book is a gem, and although it contains many advertising proverbs those in the field have probably heard before, it’s an enlightening and all-encompassing read that should be a staple for anyone selling anything. Ogilvy was a disciplined and purposeful individual, and his experiences and techniques are inspiring, even fifty years after the first publication.