How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a book about the principles of human relations. I have mixed thoughts on this book. On one hand, I think it provides some really great, straightforward points and examples, and on the other, I found it a very tiring information-overload read, and often skimmed sections or stories. Carnegie gives many examples enforcing each point, and it occasionally seemed repetitive, although no less applicable.
I didn’t set out to read this book because I thought I have trouble “making friends” or because I was hung up on the idea of “influencing people”. I spotted it on several “Bestseller” and “Top Recommended” lists and hearing its praises sung in the fields of public and human relations, I decided to give it a try.
I wouldn’t classify this as a self-help book on how to make friends. It’s a book about how to win people over and influence people, yet not in the creepy sense that may sound like. It’s an ideal read for a person working in any occupation where they interact with people regularly. Dealing with people is a huge part of life and often the biggest obstacle, and Carnegie gives pointers on how to strategically make this process easier, and perhaps make yourself a better person along the way!
In order to address the overall book, I’m summarizing the points Carnegie makes- so bear in mind these examples are much more fleshed out than what you see here.
The first section of the book is devoted to Carnegie’s essential techniques for handling people: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain (because no one likes being around a person who discourages them). Give honest and sincere appreciation (it encourage the giver and receiver). Arouse in the other person an eager want (inspire. enable).
The second section discusses six ways to make people like you (read as: six ways to be more likeable): Become genuinely interested in other people (humans are by nature self-centered and enjoy attention). Smile. Remember their name (seems a trivial detail, but good friends have told me they appreciate that I say their names often, and I admit I am always pleasantly shocked when someone addresses me by name in face-to-face conversation- it is quite rare people do this anymore). Be a good listener (let other’s talk and pay attention). Talk about their interests (even if they don’t matter to you). Make others feel important (give them value).
The third section examines methods to win people to your way of thinking: Let other people feel that the idea is his or hers (my boss does this to remarkable success. Nothing more inspiring than feeling as if you have had a breakthrough idea/solution. Let others have that opportunity sometimes). Try to see things from the other person’s point of view (useful in an argument). Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Appeal to the nobler motives (see the good). Showmanship. Throw down a challenge.
And last, Carnegie looks at nine principles to become and be a leader: Praise, Appreciate. Call attention to mistakes indirectly (don’t place blame, and people will be encouraged). Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others (level with them). Ask questions, don’t give orders (blur the lines of hierarchy). Let the other person save face (so important!). Praise improvement. Give a person a fine reputation to live up to. Use encouragement. Make them happy about accomplishing your request.
As I read this book, I noted several points I could apply to my daily life. They seemed straightforward enough, and yet the examples helped to flesh out the ideas and allow me to see practical applications for them. Within a week of reading this book I found myself arguing with a friend and applying some of these methods as we attempted to reach a resolution, instead of insisting on “winning” the argument. Carnegie makes an excellent point in his book that no one ever “wins” an argument. The person who believes they have won have in fact lost, because they have damaged a relationship and the self-esteem of another being, and proven that being right to them is more important than the relationship itself. This may seem a tad dramatic, but there is truth to it.
Again, it’s a dense read at times, but I would recommend this as a book to keep on your shelf and bear in mind. It may have been published in the 1930’s, but the techniques are timeless, and should especially be implemented during the selfish age we find ourselves in today!
musings of a reader. 